The Hanahaki Club: Episode 17
Episode 17: The Second Session, Part 2
Notice
Dear friends,
Just a little notification that The Hanahaki Club is going on a two-week hiatus. After three weeks of tonsillitis and most likely laryngitis too, my physical health has taken a a nose dive and I need to create some space in my schedule so I can put all my energy into getting my long covid symptoms back in check. So I’m stocking the freezer with ready meals and taking the a break from any extra duties for a couple of weeks.
I’m really sorry to make you wait for Episode 18, but I do have the next two episodes ready to go, so The Hanahaki Club will definitely be back on March 30th.
Thank you for your patience and all your support so far.
PJ
So far…
Thursday in the Blue Room. The hanahaki support group are meeting for their second session.
Episode 17: The Second Session, Part 2
Anabelle
Four out of five wasn’t bad. In fact, it was far beyond Anabelle’s expectations: usually by the second week she was either resigned to holding a one-to-one or cancelling all the hall bookings she had optimistically made in advance. It was early days still, so who knew what would happen next week, but she couldn’t help feeling hopeful that perhaps this group might have the chance to do what none of the other groups she had organised were able to achieve.
Anabelle was immensely grateful to Emery, even if she was also rather worried about her and this plan she had concocted to win over Lila. Without Emery and her unabashed honesty, the meeting could easily have become one tedious hour of long, awkward silences. Fortunately, Emery didn’t really do silences; she had no hesitation in sharing her feelings and opinions, or in directly asking her peers for their thoughts, and her frankness seemed to encourage Remi to open up, so that between them the discussion not only flowed easily but also gained some depth.
On the other end of the scale, Hassie never spoke unless directly addressed, although she didn’t hesitate to answer questions that weren’t too invasive, keeping her answers simple and concise. And Merryn had been much quieter than she had last week, spending most of the time picking at the frayed edges of her skirt and shrugging off questions with vague, evasive answers. She was the only one who hadn’t revealed the identity of her crush, which made Anabelle wonder if her hanahaki was for someone she felt guilty harbouring feelings for—perhaps a friend’s boyfriend? It wasn’t an uncommon situation, but that didn’t lessen the pain, guilt and jealousy that came along with it. It was hard to watch someone you loved with someone else, but it was even worse if it was up close and personal. If this was the case for Merryn, Anabelle couldn’t blame her for not wanting to talk about it—but she also hoped she would realise that the group was a safe place to share her burden.
If I can only do that—create an opportunity for everyone to express their feelings freely and without fear of judgement—then at least I’ll have done something useful for this group.
Anabelle smiled as Remi gave her a nod goodbye from the doorway. “Have a safe journey home.”
“Thank you.”
“See you next week!” Emery grinned as she hurried to catch the door before it closed behind Remi, her coat only half on and rucksack dragging momentarily across the floor.
“See you next week!” Anabelle called after her.
“Sorry I’ve got to dash off,” Hassie said, wrapping her scarf twice around her neck as she watched Anabelle begin to stack cups and saucers on a tray. “I’ve got to get the car back for my brother’s work shift.”
“That’s no problem. Have a good week, Hassie.”
As the door swung shut behind Hassie, Anabelle glanced over towards Merryn where she was pulling on her fingerless gloves with an unwarranted level of concentration and care. She didn’t seem to be in a hurry to catch her bus—was someone picking her up today?
Anabelle carried the tray over to the serving hatch. “What time is your bus, Merryn?” she asked casually.
“There’s one I can catch in fifteen minutes.”
There came the sound of a chair being stacked and Anabelle turned around to see Merryn stacking the chairs with the same, slow care she had put on her gloves. Anabelle return to the table to collect the tea cannister and jug of squash. Perhaps Merryn was lingering to avoid waiting in the cold for her bus?
No. That wasn’t it.
It was as she was returning to the table once again to collect the biscuit plate—bearing the only two custard creams Emery hadn’t managed to fit in her stomach before the end of the meeting—that Merryn uttered a quiet: “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course. Go ahead.”
Merryn stacked the last chair and then gave Anabelle an uncertain look as she faced her. “Do you think Taran didn’t come back because of me?”
Anabelle tilted her head at the question and then offered the biscuit plate. “Biscuit?”
Merryn looked at the plate for a second and then came forward to take one of the custard creams. Anabelle put down the plate and took the remining biscuit for herself. “No,” she said simply. “I don’t think that’s why Taran didn’t come this week.”
“I think it’s awkward for him to be here because we go to the same college,” Merryn continued, staring down at her biscuit as if it might offer her some sort of further insight. “I just wonder if he would come again if I wasn’t here.”
Anabelle hummed thoughtfully for a moment and then bit the top off her custard cream. Merryn watched her chew and swallow before biting into her own biscuit.
“Do you find it awkward? If Taran came again, would it put you off coming too?”
Merryn’s brow crinkled as she considered the question and then shook her head. “No,” she replied cautiously. “We’re not on the same course and we don’t exactly have the same friends. I’ve seen him around college before, but I didn’t even know his name until last week.”
“And if, let’s say, Taran’s reason for not coming was because of you—even in part—what would you do?”
“I… I would—” Merryn stuttered to a halt, pink rising to her cheeks.
For a few seconds she seemed to wrestle with her thoughts, whilst Anabelle watched her closely and scraped the cream filling from the base of her biscuit with her teeth. Eventually, Merryn’s shoulder’s dropped and she looked off to one side, as if in defeat.
“I guess I would stop coming.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t seem fair to stop someone else from getting the support they need.”
“But it would be fair to let Taran’s feelings prevent you from getting the support you need?”
“What if he needs the help more than I do?”
“What if he doesn’t?”
Merryn looked at her with a frown. “I… I don’t know.” She shrugged helplessly. “I just feel bad about it.”
“Well, don’t” Anabelle said. “If Taran doesn’t want to come to the group, that’s up to him, whatever his reasons. And I honestly don’t think it’s got anything to do with you being here anyway. If Taran has decided he doesn’t want our help, that’s his right and his choice to make. You have the same right and the same choice.”
Merryn looked down at the half-biscuit she was still holding and crinkled her nose at it, as if it bore a riddle too hard to solve. “Okay,” she said. “That makes sense.” She gave Anabelle a smile that was a little tentative. “Thank you.”
“You’re more than welcome—anytime. You should go and catch your bus.”
Merryn’s smile broadened and then she popped the rest of her custard cream in her mouth and gave a little wave goodbye as she made for the door.
Anabelle waved back with a sense of relief and then finished her own biscuit before returning to clearing up.
She hoped she hadn’t screwed that up. She got the impression that when Merryn had talked about who might need the help more, between her and Taran, she actually meant who deserved it more. If that was the case, then Merryn probably did feel guilty about the feelings that had triggered her hanahaki. And that guilt might end up blocking any chance she had of curing the disease. If Anabelle could convince her that she didn’t need to carry that burden alone, that there would be no judgement from her at least, then she could at least give the girl a small chance at a happy ending.
Once she had finished clearing everything away and locking up the Blue Room, Anabelle dropped off the keys at the caretaker’s office and headed out into the dark of the bitter, premature January night. As she headed to her car, her phone rang and she hooked it out of her bag to read the caller ID.
She probably shouldn’t take this call. It would be wiser to ignore it or block the number, but she’d never been particularly wise, and it was too late to start now, the damage was already done. Hanahaki for a third time was a sign there was no saving her and she couldn’t bear having the operation and starting over yet again. Clearly, Fate had it out for her, so she wasn’t going to fight it anymore. She had until June, so she might as well throw caution to the wind and make the most of the time she had left.
With a small smile, she swiped the ‘answer’ icon and brought the phone to her ear whilst she leant against her car.
“Hey! It’s been a while.”
Next time: Episode 18—A Burden Shared
Teaser:
Taran glared at her. What now? Didn’t she promise to leave him alone?
To his horror, Merryn plonked herself down on the concrete right in front of him, crossing her legs and flopping her hands into her lap.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“No.”
“Am I the reason you won’t go back to the hanahaki group?”
“You’re about to be.”
The Hanahaki Club Index
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Author’s Notes:
I’m a big believer in the power of the block function.
Next time: Episode 18—A Burdened Shared
PJ
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